How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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