Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
