i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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