That's when you crack a 10am beer
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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