david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
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i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
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you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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