Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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