I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
