my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
