sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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