Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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