god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
