I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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