Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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