Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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