Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
