eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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