i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
