low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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