Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
