Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
