First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
