Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
