so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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