Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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