wrigley field is MILF paradise
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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