Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
