taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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