Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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