i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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