I don't usually arrange sex via text message
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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