I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
