so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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