Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
