I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.