Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
