Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
