Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
