This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
