I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
there is glitter all over my balls
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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