Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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