Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
