No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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