wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
