i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
