was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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