i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
