My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
