Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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