i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Houston, we have a blender
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
