maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
