Small penises have feelings too.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
