remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
