My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
