i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Your cock deserves a montage
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
