You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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