I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
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I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
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Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.