Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.