you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
