Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You dont lie about slip and slides
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
