Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
