I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
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No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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