You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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