Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Randomize
