Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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